The Essence of Marriage

I have been reading Timothy Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage lately and it really has me thinking about relationships in the world today - especially mine and Andrews. In chapter three of the book, The Essence of Marriage, Keller talks about how back in the day there was the bride price. A prospective husband would go to a woman's father and offer him a sum depending on certain factors such as the woman's beauty and the size of her inheritance. We read about this and think to ourselves how awful that sounds and how glad we are that we don't have to worry about that today. Keller points out though that if you stop and think about it, we still do this to one another today in a way. As we continue on with our every day life we look at people and think, "She's in the market" and "He got a bad deal there" and "How did she ever fall for that guy?" These comments are us sizing others up to their assets and deficits, and in the end we want to marry the person because they bring a lot to the table for us. Keller says, "It is almost impossible not to think in terms of how much I am putting into the marriage and how much my spouse is putting in. And if we are getting out of the relationship as much (or a bit more, we secretly hope) than we put in, then we are happy."
Keller goes on to say in chapter three though that over time we see our spouse's flaws more and more and find that we aren't getting as much out of the marriage as we had hoped for. We start to think to ourselves that if my spouse isn't being the spouse they ought to be, I won't put in the efforts to be the spouse I used to be. "He's not doing this like he used to. So why, then, should I do that? If I'm not getting the same value, I don't need to put as much into this." You tell yourself that this is only fair. You justify your withdrawal of the relationship in your mind. Keller says, "The less you feel love, and the less you act loving, the less you feel loving, and so both of you spiral down and down." 
Keller points out that if you have a child you find that the Biblical pattern of love is forced on you. Your child is the neediest human you have ever met and you make numerous sacrifices in your life to raise this child. For a very long time your child can give you nothing in return, and even though the child can eventually give you love and respect, they can never give you anything like you have given them. But whether or not they are giving to you, you give to them. "After spending eighteen years with your child, even if they are an unattractive person to everyone else, you can't help but love them dearly because you've been forced to operate on the Biblical pattern. You had to do the actions of love regardless of your feelings and therefore now you have deep feelings of love for your child, however loveable they are or not" says Keller.
That is why many marriages fall apart after children leave home. Because while parents treated their relationship with their kids as a covenant relationship- performing actions of love until their feelings strengthened- they treated their marriages as a consumer relationship and withdrew their actions of love when they weren't having the feelings.

And here comes my favorite part of the chapter:

Keller says:
Many people say, "I'm sorry, I can't give love if I don't feel it! I can't fake it. That's too mechanical for me." I can understand that reaction, but Paul doesn't simply call us to a naked action; he also commands us to think as we act. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." 
This means we must say to ourselves something like this: "Well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think, 'I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.' No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us- denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED. He said, 'Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing.' He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse." Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day. 

What a powerful reminder of how to love our spouse and others. We shouldn't love our spouse because it feels good at the time, because everything is fine and dandy and going the way you want it to. No, we should love our spouse because we want to help make them lovely by showing them the love of Christ. I can only pray that the Lord continues to work in my life and help me to love Andrew in this way.

If you haven't checked out Timothy Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage I suggest you do. It has been such a good read so far and a great help in thinking through marriage and relationships.